All About Me and Jeff Outside of my family, I've known Jeff longer than anyone else in my life. We met back in Grade 10 at Ridgement H.S. in Ottawa, and by Grade 12, we were fairly good friends. The casual observer might think Jeff and I are just drinking buddies, but we're a lot more than that. During the first few years of our friendship, we did typical high school things like drinking on school grounds, going to the R & R during lunch to drink, or showing up for tequila sunrise parties at the school, to drink... well, I guess back then, we were drinking buddies. But this relationship changed for me when I broke up with a long time girlfriend, Elyned. Jeff was the one to comfort me, and it was weird, because it opened a whole new side of him to me. And he also did the right thing at the right time. Months later, when I was still moping, Jeff sat me down, and point blank told me to get over it. It was over, it's the past, deal with it, and get on with your life. And I did. But unfortunately, it was not always a two way street. I remember feeling a lot of pain for Jeff when he broke up with his long time girlfriend. I won't get into the situation here out of respect for his privacy, but he bottled up and didn't let anyone see what was going on. For a long time, I felt the pain for him, and I don't think he knows that. It's often hard for two guys to share emotions, and it's always been hard for me to do so - but I think it's doubly hard for Jeff. I am fairly good at reading feelings though, even when they're disguised, and there were times in his life when I saw a lot of hurt, a lot of pain, but I couldn't do much about it, so all I did was wish him better times. My relationship with Jeff has also been very strained at times. I can be a complete asshole at times, and this has been played out on him often. Usually he puts up with my bullshit, but at times, he got fed up, and I didn't hear from him for a long time. During one period of our friendship, I barely saw or spoke to him for about a year because I didn't like the girl he was going out with. I felt she was totally wrong for him, that she used him, but he was desperately in love, and while I should have accepted that, I couldn't, and it almost ruined our friendship for all time. But, as has been the case throughout our lives, He would call me, or I would call him, and we would sort of start up again anew, as if nothing had happened. It's weird. Jeff went off to Australia, and I missed him a lot. I had other friends, including a very dear one, Heather, but Jeff has been my closest male friend, and when he was gone for such a long time, it left a real hole in my life. We wrote to each other fairly often, which is was cool because we were both pretty serious letter writers, so I got to keep abreast of all his adventures. I still have those letters, all filed away. About two years passed, and then Jeff was back. He moved in with a few people in Ottawa, and for a while, things were cool, back to normal. But Jeff didn't ditch the travel bug, and he went off to England, where his mother now lives with her new husband, so I lost out again. I traveled, then moved to Vancouver, and pretty much lost all hope of ever seeing him again. Then great news. During my first summer in Vancouver, Jeff tracked me down via mail, and told me he was going to come back and settle in Vancouver, a city he lived in briefly before when he came back from Australia. I was extremely happy. Jeff moved here, and things were back to normal. We often hung out at The Fringe Cafe, or at his place or mine. We caught up on old times, and our friendship was renewed. I discovered how good a friend Jeff was when I ended up, through complicated circumstances, without a place to live for two weeks. Jeff, without hesitation, offered to let me stay at his place during that period, no questions asked. I really appreciated that, probably a lot more than I let him know. But this opens up something about Jeff I haven't discussed yet. Jeff used to be the most irresponsible person I've ever known. But during that same time, he was one of the most responsible people I knew. Jeff was the first one of my friends to buy a car, with his own hard earned money. He had two jobs through High School, doing landscaping, and acting as a security guard at the CMA, while the rest of us scrounged for our beer money. When something bad happened, something serious, Jeff would turn automatically from Mr. Fun to Mr. Serious, often taking charge of the situation, and coming up with concerned solutions. Jeff would often give people the impression he was an irresponsible, uncaring, party-type student, but underneath there was a real sense of responsibility and duty to others. Some of that rubbed off on me. Jeff used to call me a weasel at times, due to my attitude towards life. I don't know if he thinks of me that way anymore, but if he doesn't, it's because of his influence. During his first real summer here, I started dating Jeanette, and the two of them did NOT hit it off. Which was bad, because in a way, it influenced my relationship with Jeff, and his with me. We barely talked to each other during a long year after that summer, and it was mainly due to my resentment of his apparent dislike of Jeanette. He says today this was never the case, and I believe him, but it definitely was part of our most recent separation. Today, Jeff and I have a more casual relationship, but I know that if I ever needed to talk to someone, Jeff would listen. I hope he thinks the same. In fact, I don't really know what Jeff thinks about me and our friendship these days. I don't even know if he considers me a good friend. What I do know is how I feel about him. I wish we could be better, closer friends, but in many ways, we've grown apart I guess. He's got his life set, he lives with the woman he loves, they are going to get married, and he's finally ready to settle. Me, I still don't know if I want marriage, and I don't have many male friends that I would consider close, but I do consider Jeff to be my best male friend. In my own way, I love the guy, and there were times in my life where I don't know what I would have done without him. He has also been a major influence in my life, and I am pretty sure he doesn't even know this. As I said before, it's hard for males to share their feelings. I said on the Ultra Personal page that I don't know who would be my best man at my wedding. The truth is, I would like it to be Jeff, but I'm afraid to ask him. For some twisted reason, I think he would turn me down. But I guess that goes against all the things I know about him... he's not that kind of guy and he's not the type to let a friend in need down. I guess I'm still very insecure when it comes to my friendship with him, and it puts up these barriers in my mind. Maybe I will ask him to do me this honour one day... Back to personal stuff.

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